The small change Social Circle of Wellness: KNOW WHERE YOU BELONG!

“Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”       Mandy Hale

Beyond our basic needs for food, shelter, and safety, we all want to belong, to be accepted. It’s how our brains are wired, and society sets a clock for us to find our place by a certain age. But it doesn’t bother to tell us that true belonging starts with self. As author Brené Brown puts it in Braving the Wilderness: “true belonging actually requires the willingness to stand alone.”

For many of us - myself included – not knowing where you belong can be a quiet, emotional roller coaster ride. When I was twenty, I had no clue of my values and self-worth or what it truly meant to be in a healthy relationship, so a few months after meeting him, I married the “coolest dude” in town – just because I thought he was cool. And I did whatever it took to “belong” to him – including pretending to be happy. It affected my health.

When you stay where you don’t belong, chronic stress floods your body with cortisol – the body’s primary stress hormone.  Over time, elevated cortisol levels weaken the immune system. It can also cause high blood pressure and put you at higher risk of developing heart disease and other chronic conditions.

I learned the hard way what constant stress can do to the body.  One night, after dozing off in a chair, I woke, and my legs wouldn’t move. It scared me, so I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with sarcoidosis — an autoimmune condition that is now strongly linked to chronic stress. I knew what I needed to do to turn things around, and when I did it, the sarcoidosis went away.

The marriage ended, but not my hunger to belong. So I got back on that emotional roller coaster and rode it until pain and heartbreak forced me to face my deepest fears: the fears of being alone. That’s when I began to understand what Brené Brown really meant.

And here’s something else I’ve learned. We spend a lot of time asking what makes us sick - diet, genetics, sedentary lifestyles - but I have a different question. Consider this: Recent U.S. Census Bureau data reports roughly 166–168 million Americans are aged 40 and older, and approximately 120 million of them have been diagnosed with at least one chronic condition. Of those 120 million people, how many are in a marriage, family, friendship, or workplace where they don't belong? How many have ever thought to ask not “what is making me sick, but WHO?”

Self- belonging is a practice that nurtures the most important relationship you will have – the one you have with yourself. When you learn to stand alone, you stop jumping on emotional roller coasters - “auditioning” for love. You stop settling for less and start expecting the best!

So, are you where you belong?

Look at the journaling prompts below and take a few minutes to engage in a spiritual practice that helps you see where you stand in your social circle.

1) List 3–5 key relationships in your life. For each one, ask: “Do I feel free to be fully myself in this relationship, or do I perform a version of myself to fit in?”

2) If no one in your life had any expectations of you — no partner, no family, no social circle — who would you be? What would you spend your time doing? What would you stop doing?

Know where you belong: Be Well!

"Looking for the place that finally feels like you?" I can help. Contact me at smallchange@myrtlerussell.com.

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